I accidentally the physics

So, more rambling from me. I don't know why this is happening.

A transformation has taken place in me - very slowly, to be sure, but it has taken place and it is terrifying.

Yesterday I was volunteering at Z-arts in Hulme and spent a few hours being mobbed by tiny, adorable children who love robots. It was fun. I really enjoyed it. But it was...a bit weird, I guess? You see, I was a sciencey kid and my parents always used to take me to work on big arty or sciencey projects. Guess what I was doing? Yep, helping to run artsy, sciencey projects where we programmed a robot's light sensor and tested it out on patterns we drew ourselves. (I came up with the idea in 5 minutes after not being able to carry a mat bigger than I am and transport a trolley loaded with relatively pricey electrical goodies. It worked much better than expected.)

It just feels a bit strange to me, because I still have very clear memories and feelings of being a child wondering at how awesome the universe was and how these science people were going to help show me things beyond what we learned at school, the things I was actually interested in. At the same time, I'm one of these science people passing on my love and knowledge to children with a sense of wonder. It's a bit weird seeing how I've grown into responsibility and competence. No, not just that - seeing myself grow into someone who gives other people guidance. Seeing myself grow into someone my younger self would have admired. It's weird, because I consider myself a very weak and flawed person.

I have also become much more competent - scarily competent, in fact. I went over to look at some of the mathematical art on another table and calculated triangular numbers in my head, something I'd have had difficulty doing when I was younger. I used complex analysis and my pitiful knowledge of topology to understand hyperboloids and nephroids and cardioids. I was barely aware of how fast my mind was moving, but I was keenly aware of the deep and beautiful connections between different areas of mathematics. At the same time, I was still unpicking everything like I did when I was a child, but so much faster.

It really drove home to me how far I've come despite everything. That scares me. I don't feel that competent or responsible.