Vivat Libertas

Obvious triggers for suicide and depression are obvious. People get really, really angry when it comes to making jokes about depression, suicide and mental illness. You could make a case that they're right to do so; after all, mental illness is rarely presented honestly. It's usually romanticised or stigmatised. Why would trivialising it be any better? My honest answer is that trivialising it doesn't help. But my honest answer has a second part to it: I'm fed up of well-meaning but annoying people yelling "you're trivialising mental illness!" every time I fail to get out my handkerchief and cry over the great tragedy . Look, it's no big secret that I'm a suicidally depressed mental patient. I don't hide it online, because I have no reason to. If anything, I have several good reasons to talk about mental health openly and honestly. And it's no big secret that learning to manage your illness involves coping mechanisms. As a long-time fa...

If discussions of depression and suicide trigger you, I suggest you don't read this post. If you find flippant quips about depression and suicide offensive, I also suggest you don't read this post. Hey, internet people! Instead of looking at cute cat video #364736463 or addressing the gnawing insecurity about how you think you've fucked up your life and are stuck doing something you hate, why not read something inspirational about how a really, really bad thing actually turned out to be a secret gift? Yeah, why not? Well, for a start, you've come to the wrong place. I'm not very good at doing this inspirational thing at the best of times. This is just about the best of all possible times and I'm still being a grumpy little dipshit, which tells you something. I'm not going to tell you the story of six years of depression and five attempts at killing myself (I should really stop, I'm rubbish at this suicide lark), or of being in and out of ther...

...or what happens after that person you love killed themselves. (Obvious trigger warning for suicide is obvious.) So on tumblr there used to be this post (I can't find it now) that went something like "If, when I committed suicide I could see how it would affect other people and choose whether or not to go through with it, I'd be dead already". If you could see how your suicide affected other people, it would spook you out of trying for a long time. Tumblr isn't always great with mental health help. I have attempted suicide more times than I care to share and witnessed the suicide attempts of people close to me, so I've been on both sides of the discussion and I think I have a fair idea of what I'm talking about. A lot of suicidal people think that if we killed ourselves, our loved ones would be better off. It happens a lot when you're depressed: your self-negativity clouds everything and your low mood isolates you, so you don't feel l...

Content note: suicide, self-harm, purging. I can't really be bothered to think up a good title for this; I'm too angry. As a mentally ill person, I absolutely beg anyone who's reading this right now not to romanticise mental illness. I beg anyone who's reading this right now to spread the word, to tell their friends and family and loved ones and children, to go and shout it from their roofs that mental illness is a terrible thing to live through. Please don't wonder why I care so much: I live through this. Rather, wonder why I don't welcome it. I've seen people defend the romanticisation of mental illness with the justification that it's better than demonisation - the trouble is that it's not. They're two sides of the same thing: a refusal to deal with mental illness honestly. And here's why. I'll start with demonisation first, because it's simpler to understand and to explain. This demonisation is dehumanising, as it st...

As with many of my posts, this talks about suicide. If it triggers you, don't read. Well, I fully admit that was a stupid title. Dying isn't a question of if, it's a question of when; I am under no illusions as to my own mortality. What I really mean is if I die by my own hand. This isn't going to be a post about how no-one will miss me or about how the world will be better off without me; somehow the message got through my skull that while I'm nothing special, the people close to me will miss me a lot. This in no way stops the suicidal compulsions or the belief that the world as a whole will be better off without me, but it does make me a lot more reluctant to go through with it. No, this is more a post about the legacy I would leave behind if I took my own life - and how I don't particularly want to be remembered. Yep, I said that right. If I kill myself, I don't want to be remembered. I don't want tributes to how beautiful and amazing I was a...

Trigger warning for discussion of suicide and suicidal ideation. People trying to stop suicide on Twitter are admirable; hell, people trying to stop suicide anywhere are admirable. There are some pretty brilliant Twitter projects out there, like Don't Lose Your Grip , that have helped me and a lot of other people out there in our recoveries, and some pretty brilliant support networks too - as well as the admirable #opstopsuicide , which does exactly what it says on the tin. All the same, I've noticed that a lot of anti-suicide tweeters rely on platitudes. Pretty pictures. Things you can fit happily into 140 characters. Given that you can only fit that many characters in a tweet, this is not particularly surprising. All the same, I still take issue with it. This isn't because I love encouraging people to commit suicide or because I hate new media; I certainly don't hate Twitter. Rather, it involves me and my personal experiences with suicidal ideation and intent,...

This is a very big trigger warning for suicide. Now that I've warned you, read on at your own risk. I really hate to do yet another suicide post, but it's come to my attention that people still need educating about it despite the amount of information out there. Hopefully this will just be short and sweet. Suicide is selfish.   Not true. People who kill themselves aren't selfish, they cannot bear life and have heavy burdens to carry (whether external or internal). I would argue that it's more  selfish to try and keep them alive without respecting them and trying to help them. Contemplating suicide is weak; people who kill themselves are weak.  Untrue. Firstly, the claim that contemplating suicide is weak is the claim that thinking about a certain action shows weakness, and how does that make sense?! Not to mention taking your own life is much, much harder than it looks due to little things like self-preservation, and that people don't normally kill themselves...

If you somehow managed to miss the big trigger warning in the title, this post mentions and discusses suicide and life after a suicide attempt. Do not read if this material triggers, upsets, or offends you. If you keep going, I gave you fair warning. This is hopefully the last time I will post about anything related to my personal suicidality; I may write more about suicide in general in the future if I feel like it. Otherwise, you guys are probably safe from my egotistical blabbering about how I botched my death and managed to somehow hang on for another year. I was probably supposed to be doing something today - more singing, actually. I feel guilty that I'm not doing it, but having just come back from a school choir trip, I don't really feel up to singing out. This in no way helps to alleviate the feeling that I'm a terrifically lazy good-for-nothing twat. And n o, I'm not just saying this for attention - I'm saying this because it's honestly how I feel a...

Discusses suicide. If you find this triggering or unpleasant or if you simply can't deal with it, I suggest you skip over this post. Why talk about this? Why bare my soul to an internet that at best doesn't care and at worst would rip me to shreds for it? Why don't I sweep a horrible, shameful thing like suicide (sarcasm alert) under the carpet and pretend it never happened? Why don't I show some decorum and not seek attention? Because I posted about attempting suicide and about the six-month anniversary of the suicide attempt that changed my life and because I'm trying to be open and honest about this sort of thing...well, I'll be honest, I've not really talked about it to the people I know in real life lest they judge me. This came as more than a bit of a shock to them and in large part I have been proved right about being judged. Nothing and no-one is immune to criticism, and this is no exception. I was imperfectly aware of what I was doing when I...

This is one of the most honest and, to me at least, one of the most important things I've ever written. I really couldn't give a shit whether it makes you feel uncomfortable or not. It does contain honest discussions of suicide and the fallout from suicide attempts, so this is the closest thing you'll get to a trigger warning, as well as inane ramblings and tearful thank-yous. It's Saturday, the 14th of January, and I'm quietly commemorating the six-month anniversary of fucking up my suicide attempt. Yes, you read that right. This blog post explains how I came to be suicidal in the first place, so if you're curious I suggest you read it. Not being suicidal anymore felt like being washed clean of all the hate and pain and what was left was - well, it was hope, relief, dare I even say happiness. Waking up in the morning and actually wanting to live was the most beautiful emotion I've ever felt. It's an odd thing to say, but sometimes I'm happy I f...

Yeah, I'm a Twitter addict...and this time I found #RIPSophie trending. I don't know if I should put a warning on this post, but it discusses bullying and suicide. If those count as triggers, this post has them. (You can never be too careful.) The story goes that a Wanted fan called Sophie ( @JaythanILoveYou ) killed herself over bullying. Another story goes that she hasn't actually killed herself and the story is fake. I want to say this: even if the whole thing's a hoax, that in no way mitigates the fact that too many - I don't have the numbers to hand, but it's too many - teens actually do  kill themselves because of bullying, and that it's a real, despicable problem. Faking a suicide - and I really don't know why anyone would do that, not because I'm naive but because it's a hell of a lot of work and brings a lot of negative press - may be vile, but it pales in comparison to the vileness of driving someone to take their own life. Even ...