Vivat Libertas

It's one of those days. I have too many deadlines, the world is run by overgrown toddlers who are going to get us all killed, and May's just called a general election. Bleh. I can't hide my cynicism about this. And on top of everything, I would have to be depressed, because the best way to react to turmoil in my life is to stop being a functional human being. I've been to my GP and am now sitting tight on a referral, but the service is apparently overstretched because the NHS has no money. Right now, all I can do is wait for them to process my reference and see if they think I'm mental enough to qualify for their help. In the meantime, I've been trying to be proactive, because it beats being miserable and not doing anything. Because I still more or less trust the NHS, I looked at some of their resources for self-care, where they suggested self-help books. I'm not opposed to self-help books when used in conjunction with some kind of therapy and w...

...actually, the positive thinking sort of worked. Well, not quite, but sort of. What worked better for me wasn't trying to cultivate a happy happy shiny shiny attitude. It was doing what my body told me to do and getting some sleep. It was doing what my mind told me to do and getting out of the house to see some green space. It was seeing my amazing boyfriend and holding him, spending time with him, spending time just talking and making music and exploring new things. It was realising that I have really, really good friends, who care about me and actually want to spend time with me. It was realising that all of those things have been there since the beginning and I'm only just noticing them. It was going to parties and dancing badly and ending up covered in my friend's soft toys. It was diving deep into physics books and connecting with what made me love physics - with the strange and beautiful and elegant ways of viewing the world - and drawing on that to stud...

This semester, I've been taking a C++ course. I like programming. I want to suck less at it. So far, it's going okay. My workload is heavy, so I don't write so much anymore. I don't expect it to get easier. I find I learn programming decently by reading around - by reading documentation and forums and random pdfs I find lying about. I learn about culture and other people's personalities. Even if something isn't directly relevant to me, I still find it useful. While trawling the internet to fix my current problem, I came across an essay by Paul Graham . It was useful, but not immediately so; it gave me food for thought, but it's not something I feel I have the free time to learn right now (I should really spend it sleeping). Somewhere in the back of my sleep-deprived brain, I remembered...something. A website very, very similar to the one I was looking at. In fact, the layout was almost identical - but the essays were different. The one I was reading di...

Now that America is divided over whether to elect a reasonably competent establishment candidate or a creepy orange fascist, the media have stopped pretending they ever gave a shit about antisemitism; instead, they're pretending they give a shit about the US. I didn't get to do this before on account of having a massive workload, but a lot of the reactions to the antisemitism shitstorm upset me massively. Many of them were pure denial: "I've never seen antisemitism in my community, so it must not exist." Many of them were denial mixed with tokenism: "I'm going to weaponise Jews who don't see antisemitism and use them as a tool to conveniently ignore people who disagree with me." Many fell back on the old chestnut that "anti-Zionism isn't antisemitism." (It isn't, but blathering about "Zionist control of the media" or "Zionists did 9/11" is very clearly an antisemitic dogwhistle. Regurgitating antisemitic r...

Well. It's the day before freshers' week starts, which means that uni marketing has gotten slightly ridiculous (not sure why...we're all already signed up to be screwed out of money...maybe this is to make us feel better...). One question popping up over shiny social media is "what advice would you give to your first-year self?". I screwed up a lot in first year. Hey, at least I've not screwed up too badly this year; true, that's mostly because I haven't actually started it yet, but I'm trying to feel more positive about myself. As such, I feel qualified to give first-year me a lot of (hopefully useful) advice. And if any first years come across this, I really hope this helps! 0: Keep an eye on your physical and mental health and seek help immediately if you feel unwell. This is 0th on the list because it's the most important. You will have many, many chances to do well at basically everything. The thing with a body or a psyche is tha...

It's halfway through September and I'm currently sitting through a thunderstorm. Life kind of didn't like me this summer, between not studying abroad, having to scramble to find a place to live, having a mini-breakdown and damaging friendships. And no holiday. Because I was too overworked. Yay. But it's September! And I've got a new flat all to myself! And I've prepped for the new academic year! (Just. I have a lot of work and I'm pretty scared.) I saw a friend from uni today, since we hadn't met up all summer. We caught up on old times, videogames and such lofty academic questions (!) as what happens if a black hole and a white hole merge. He reminded me of how much I would have missed everyone if I had gone abroad. How much I've missed Manchester and university life. Now I'm drinking tea, listening to Beck, and supposed to be preparing for a phone interview tomorrow...but I keep getting distracted because I'm so damn happy . Beca...

I'm putting this here because I don't feel like I have anywhere much to put them and I need to put something somewhere. There are two strands to my thoughts: I need to say no more often I waste too much of my life trying to appease people, so very much of it. I can't keep doing that. It upsets me and makes me anxious, and it makes me resent people. I need to stop worrying so much about getting the blessing of others and start worrying more about what my emotions are telling me I can and can't handle. I know this sounds very selfish. It is very selfish. But trying not to be selfish is wearing me very thin. I want to go to a place where I can't be found This is very close to saying no. As an introvert, feeling like I constantly have to meet people's expectations all of the time is overwhelming. Social media - which used to be my escape - is making it worse, because it comes with the expectation that anyone can contact you all of the time . I am so v...

On Saturday, after much squeeing from me, my partner and I went to the Colour and Vision exhibition at the Natural History Museum . I had wanted to go for a while, mostly because I'm a sucker for colour and shiny. It was all that I expected - and a little more besides. As you'd expect for an exhibition which is all about seeing colour, it's visually very attractive - which is why I came in the first place! The first thing you see as you walk in is an installation - Our Spectral Vision - by artist Liz West , who primarily works with colour. Despite basically being a room filled with prisms which change colour with angle, it's surprisingly serene and contrasts sharply with the hustle and bustle of the Natural History Museum on a Saturday during school holidays. As you walk through, be sure to look at the floor - it asks questions about colour and how we perceive it. Some of them stick. Our Spectral Vision (Liz West) The first part of the exhibit is all but mono...

I have written before about antisemitism in the UK. For the moment everything is calm: Ken Livingstone and his horrible fanbase have shut up, the Chakrabarti inquiry isn't due out yet, and antisemitism in the wake of the recent Tel Aviv shooting is a step too far for all but the most hateful. Besides, the West's attention is on the recent Orlando shootings, and for very good reason. (I have avoided commenting on this latter event, because while my heart breaks just thinking about it, that's not going to bring the victims back or help their loved ones.) I am quietly proud to be an uppity, vocal Jew in a society which wishes its Jews to be compliant rather than critical. I am happy that I have non-Jewish friends who stand in solidarity with me, and a non-Jewish partner who has stood by it all and who wholeheartedly supports me being uppity and vocal. Based on the 2011 census, there are probably 250,000-300,000 Jews living in the UK, or a whopping 0.5% of the population ...

This is the story of how two things I never thought had anything in common actually helped me. I'm a science communicator. I think I've earned that title now, after 5 years of giving talks, volunteering with children and writing things that actually get published in reputable magazines. (Okay, I sound better than I actually am, but I have actually done all of those things alongside my studies!) Recently, I also started writing for a satirical online news outlet. It's still tiny because it started in late April, so it's not famous...yet. I'm also ashamed of how I started writing for it in the first place; it's not because I'm talented, it's because my boyfriend is a co-founder and the sole editor. If the articles I submit are published, it's because he thinks they're funny. Now, I don't consider myself a particularly funny person, so when I was asked to write an article about black holes being found at the Clinton residences I just sor...

Recently, I've been writing about antisemitism and strategically talking over people who are actually affected by it. I try to look over every article I write, because typos are embarrassing and I like pretending to have a coherent train of thought. Reading over what I've written about antisemitism in the UK, I get concerned over such things as: By writing about British antisemitism, am I erasing the plight of the Palestinians? I haven't denounced Israeli crimes enough in this article. What if someone accuses me of being an apologist? Oh man, my total ignorance of critical race theory and postcolonial theory is really showing here and I look like such a fail and I'm being so oppressive and- The precise details are unimportant. The overarching message in all these thoughts is: be quiet, because you and your privilege are taking up valuable space in this discussion. Also recently, I've had trouble sleeping and been browsing tumblr, which led me to Old Soc...

Antisemitism is not a new thing; it is centuries old. Antisemitism within supposedly progressive elements of society is also not new - funnily enough, it is also centuries old and arises partly from linking Jews with capitalism. What is new is that antisemitism is now being discussed seriously in non-Jewish circles. Finally - we've only been waiting, like, thirty years for people to start paying attention. I know that me talking about this is not going to make me any friends. In fact, it's probably going to alienate and annoy my friends and family, and make me enemies among people with whom I should really have a common cause. I'm surprisingly not sorry about this. Being a Jewish leftist in the UK is different from being a non-Jewish leftist - not just because of theological issues (I'm a culturally Jewish atheist, so theology is not an issue for me, but I'm still treated differently) but because of double standards. If you are Jewish, you will probably ha...

Surprisingly for a loudmouth such as myself, I've been reasonably quiet about the most recent antisemitism row (where "reasonably quiet" has been redefined to mean "making lots of upset tweets"). I've sort of just been hiding, waiting for it to blow over and focusing on my exams. Unsurprisingly for an argumentative and opinionated young woman, I've decided to stir this up again for shits, giggles and pretending to be good at this social justice malarkey. I couldn't really think of a good format to put this in, so this is a list of common responses I get when upset about antisemitism. "But criticising Israel isn't antisemitic!" Ah. Got to love everyone's go-to. Look, I know criticising Israel isn't antisemitic, you know criticising Israel isn't antisemitic, your mother knows criticising Israel isn't antisemitic and basically everyone who isn't ridiculously pro-Israel can tell the difference between criticising t...

I get a lot of anxiety over whether I'm employable and doing the right things to become employable. A source of great shame for me is that I didn't get a placement last year. So trying to write my letter of motivation for my exchange programme wasn't the most comfortable of experiences. Trying to write it in my third language didn't help either! (I might suck at being employable, but I speak four languages with designs on improving at least an extra three beyond "bullshitting" levels. That counts for something, right?) For anyone who hasn't written a letter of motivation, it's basically a page of showing off and explaining why you want to do something. So in my letter I had to show off more than just my love of black holes and why I want to go on exchange to this particular university; I had to show off things I'd actually done . I think I'm a particularly lazy person with a patchy employment history. My history disagrees with me. I...

Doing one of these things because I saw it done today and ended up reflecting on my life. Dear Osnat, It may not feel like it right now, but it's going to be okay. You fretted over having a boyfriend a lot, and now you're finally realising that you don't need to fret and you're going to have someone truly amazing in your life anyway (that's a spoiler right there for you). You're going to meet him in person, after a couple of false starts because trains are stupid, and you're going to help each other grow and flourish. At first people will be upset that you're dating someone older than you, but they'll come around once they realise neither of you are going anywhere. (People are also going to turn to you for relationship advice. You will think this is weird.) You will have a tough time with friends. You will lose several. Several close ones will leave and you will feel awful and alienated as you just find an endless line of cloned North Londo...

So, more rambling from me. I don't know why this is happening. A transformation has taken place in me - very slowly, to be sure, but it has taken place and it is terrifying . Yesterday I was volunteering at Z-arts in Hulme and spent a few hours being mobbed by tiny, adorable children who love robots. It was fun. I really enjoyed it. But it was...a bit weird, I guess? You see, I was a sciencey kid and my parents always used to take me to work on big arty or sciencey projects. Guess what I was doing? Yep, helping to run artsy, sciencey projects where we programmed a robot's light sensor and tested it out on patterns we drew ourselves. (I came up with the idea in 5 minutes after not being able to carry a mat bigger than I am and transport a trolley loaded with relatively pricey electrical goodies. It worked much better than expected.) It just feels a bit strange to me, because I still have very clear memories and feelings of being a child wondering at how awesome the univ...

I'm not very good at this reality business, me. When I was a little girl, I wanted to become a scientist. I used to daydream about being a proper grown-up student learning science. Then, of course, I grew up to be an angsty and annoying adolescent, but "being dead" and "science" were my two main goals. And then my brain decided to fuck out on me big time during my last two years of school, during which my grades plummeted, I actually had to work to do even moderately well compared to GCSEs, and I was rejected from my dream university. Yeah, sixth form sucked. Actually, I was rejected from four out of the five universities I applied to. Let me tell you, this does absolutely nothing for your confidence or self-esteem. I spent most of sixth form crying and feeling like a failure - clearly, I did not use my hard-won independence well at all. Only Manchester gave me an offer and it was 2 A*s and an A. Reader, I missed my offer. I worked so hard I fell ill for...

So I've kind of left this blog to gather dust over the summer. Between actual uni work, travelling all over Britain to sing in different choirs, and grieving over losing family, I've had bigger things to think about. Sorry to my mum and the 0.5 of a person who reads this website. But now it's September. The leaves are turning red and gold and brown and the weather is very definitely confirming that yes, it's autumn now and you need to wrap up warm. The kids are back at school, as are the grumpy, angsty adolescents. And tomorrow the first proper week of lectures starts. The lecturers are drilling us with rhetoric about how hard second year is. It's not exactly subtle, but I've fucked up enough to learn that I need to work damn hard and damn efficiently. What's more, this year is really important; not only does it cover the deep core of practical skills and the foundations of my degree, but it also determines whether I get to stay on my MPhys course - and w...

The universe is useless. Half of the people reading this think I'm wrong, half of them think that this is trivial, and the other half don't have a clue what I'm on about. I am fully aware that this makes three halves. Anyway, the universe is pretty damn purposeless. It doesn't exist for any grand, high-flown moralistic reason that we can work out; it just is . Because of (as far as we can tell) a Big Bang. Everything in it is just about as purposeless and useless, from galaxies to stars all the way down to us. The universe couldn't give a shit about human concepts like morality  and purpose  and so far all this is brain-bleedingly trivial so you might be wondering where I'm going with this. Anyway, we're purposeless, useless beings living in a purposeless, useless universe and somehow I feel like out of 7 billion useless primates I'm the most useless of all.

So, like any good Francophile (and one half of a couple - come on, we've been together for three years, it was bound to happen, and yes we did  walk down the banks of the Seine) I've been to Paris. In fact I've just come back from a lovely jaunt there with my partner (thank you!). And like any good traveller, I've learned some things along the way - just they might not be the most conventional ones... 1. If in doubt, set herbs on fire. They give steak a lovely smokey flavour. Omnom. 2. Everything is better with sauces. The creamier the better. 3. If in any more doubt, grab some spirits, set those on fire and pour them over a dessert. Et voila, one boozy sweet treat with added depth, richness and possibility of intoxication if you're as much of a lightweight as I am! 4. Despite being of Eastern European descent (I can't really give you more specifics than that because I'm all mixed up) and having never lived in France in literally ever, people assume I k...