no.

I'm putting this here because I don't feel like I have anywhere much to put them and I need to put something somewhere.

There are two strands to my thoughts:

I need to say no more often
I waste too much of my life trying to appease people, so very much of it. I can't keep doing that. It upsets me and makes me anxious, and it makes me resent people. I need to stop worrying so much about getting the blessing of others and start worrying more about what my emotions are telling me I can and can't handle.

I know this sounds very selfish. It is very selfish. But trying not to be selfish is wearing me very thin.

I want to go to a place where I can't be found
This is very close to saying no. As an introvert, feeling like I constantly have to meet people's expectations all of the time is overwhelming. Social media - which used to be my escape - is making it worse, because it comes with the expectation that anyone can contact you all of the time.

I am so very, very tired of running around doing things on other people's terms for fear of their wrath. I am so very, very tired of being constantly distracted by my phone. I miss reading. I miss writing. I miss deep focus. I have, hopefully, some science writing work coming in to build my name slowly. I have a paper on gravitational waves I need to write. I have a project I want to work on.

I want to retreat into solitude and my inner mind. Not forever. But my inner world is a rich one and a tranquil one and I want to spend some quality time in it.