On Disillusionment

I am one sick, tired, ill, disillusioned fucker. It's not a pleasant thing to admit to, and it's not one that I would have wanted to admit to. A little over a year ago, as a bright-eyed, enthusiastic, in retrospect still rather naive girl of fifteen, I couldn't have imagined this happening - but that's stupidity for you. And then school and depression and critical thinking and not being able to do as much as I would have liked to have done got in the way, and now (though I'm on the mend) I ate so much cynical I turned into some kind of broken machine.

It makes me feel quite bad; other people tell me to never give up hope. I'm not very good at that. Other people, too, stick to blind ideology. They think that killing for a pet cause is fine, or that putting all their faith in one group is a good idea. I've seen too many groups turn out to have very, very, very bad parts, though, to reasonably be able to do that. I'm too wary of putting my trust in a faceless organisation. I'm too wary, too cynical to think that making other living beings suffer can ever lead to something good. And honestly...I'm too sick and too fucking tired to jump on every single bandwagon I see. I question too much and think too much to think that everything someone with a huge Twitter ego might say is obviously right. I may be obviously wrong, but so are they.

What upsets me most is the idea that because I'm disillusioned, I must be a bad person - and I suppose it's true. And despite all that - despite my being a bad person - I'm not disillusioned with doing good for others. I'm not disillusioned (though perhaps I should be) with trying to get individuals to work together to achieve great things; I've seen it happen before, so I know it can be done.

No, what I'm disillusioned with is all the bullshit - because it is, fundamentally, a load of bullshit. I am disillusioned with infighting and with seeing some so-called "revolutionaries" (not all or even most, but enough to piss me off) essentially doing nothing but comparing revolutionary credentials as opposed to making the world a better place. I'm tired and frustrated because the only thing that might make any difference is me being on the streets every day - which I suppose, since I'm able-bodied and can research where I need to go, I should be doing. I'm disillusioned seeing people I used to respect prattle absolute shite. I'm disillusioned with soulless organisation after soulless organisation solicit my time and money - and I'm even more disillusioned with people going along with it. I just want a grassroots movements of people working together to make the world a better place. No more, no less.

Perhaps if the bullshit were cut I'd be less of a disillusioned, cynical brat. Till then, I'm not jumping on any bandwagons. I'm not giving my time or money to any big organisations. My goal is simply to help living beings - whether that's through signing a petition, standing in a square yelling or staying with someone through a crisis. Am I a bad person? A lazy person? A weak person? I don't know. All I know is that I want to help despite my disillusionment.