On Pre-Packaged Sentimentality

"But how can sentimentality be pre-packaged?" you ask. "It doesn't come in boxes."

Ah, well let me enlighten you through a method other than shoving a floodlight in your face. Basically, you know those really cheesy, clichéd statements which bear no relation to reality? No? Good, you're living in the real world. Failing that, if you're under the age of, say, 25 they're probably clogging up your news feed.

You don't have Facebook?

It appears the 21st century left you behind. Ah well, when global thermonuclear war strikes and the CIA hacks everyone's Facebook to find out who did it, at least you can shout triumphantly from your hidden bunker that the aliens didn't get you, at least. Shame the above scenario is rather unlikely (for which read almost impossible) to happen.

Anyway, pulling up a random example from Facebook now:

"3 things I want in a relationship: Eyes that wont cry, lips than wont lie, and love that wont die. - Wiz Khalifa ♥" [sic]

And you wonder why I don't listen to modern music...(To the person whose status I stole this from - who shall remain anonymous - I apologise for getting you involved in this, but lay off the pukeworthy glurge already.)

So to sum up, it's the kind of obviously fake and overly sentimental thing that makes one puke (well, actually it just makes me puke - the rest of the world seems to have an odd tolerance for that kind of thing).

"But it's so, like, true and emotional!" you cry. I note the Valley Girl speech and raise a virtual eyebrow, noting that before you were an intellectually challenged senior with a penchant for conspiracy theories.

"No, it's not," I answer.

"But they think it is..."

"For the most part, they are - OK, some of them are actually quite smart, but still, they should take those pseudo-sentimental pieces of shite and shove them up their collective arseholes."

"Like, there's a time and a place for everything though..."

"Like I said - up their arses, preferably right now."

"I don't think that's what they meant..."

...Five hours of fruitless arguing and much profanity later, I agree to come up with a list of places where pre-packaged sentimentality is appropriate, and here it is!

  • In shitty emo poetry which doesn't even have three stanzas.
  • In shitty emo poetry which isn't even worth the paper it's scrawled on, or worth the space it takes up on a hard drive, if that's how you roll. And yes, padding out the document with clip art counts as taking up space.
  • In shitty emo poetry in general.
  • In shitty music with fewer than three chords, and amazingly it manages to fuck up those as well.
  • In the bin.
  • Even better than the bin, in a black hole where it'll never be seen again.
(I apologise for the relative unfunniness, bitterness and profanity in this post. It's not been a great day.)